Gosh, I am exhausted today. This morning it took me about five minutes to acknowledge that my alarm was going off because half asleep I kept wondering "isn't someone going to turn that off?". I blame it on the fact that I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm not proud of it - I was letting my emotions get the better of me in a situation that is pretty much beyond my control and something I saw coming for a long time.
I recently lost one of my oldest and closest friends, and yesterday she quietly "cut the last tie" and deleted me off of Facebook. While I saw this coming - the two of us had been growing apart for ages and nothing really seemed to be able to repair it - the finality of the blow really got to me. While some people say "Facebook isn't real life!" I must argue that in our generation it most certainly IS. Deleting someone off of Facebook is psychologically "purging" them from your life, saying they don't have the privilege of even a voyeueristic and silent look into your life.
I think that's been the hardest part about reaching my mid twenties. I've definitely seen who my TRUE friends are (especially through a lot of the nonsense that occurred during the TV show - I was an awful friend who didn't have time for ANYONE because I was so wrapped up in my own life. The friend who deleted me off of Facebook could not forgive me for this, but I have some pretty solid amazing ladies who were nothing but gracious and understanding through all of it.) But it's difficult… I used to want to be friends with everyone and want everyone to like me so badly. I still desire that, but I don't compromise myself for people anymore - and that truly shows me who should be in my life and who shouldn't be.
All of my friends who are in their thirties assure me that this is a very natural part of your twenties - you grow up and leave people behind. While it's comforting to know it has happened to countless others, it does not much soothe the sting of loss.
I know all I can do is cling to the wonderful memories she and I had together. She was my best friend for many years and we helped each other through some incredibly difficult times and created some hilarious memories that I will always cherish. I hope someday she can release whatever anger she feels for me and we can laugh about this, but until then I will not allow myself to fall prey to anger or pettiness.
Have any of you experience the inevitable ebb and flow of friendship? How did you deal with it?