You know those articles that psychoanalyse your consumption choices, and build a personality profile out of what your favorite ice cream flavor is or what tone you choose for your alarm? Well, this is like that. Except we’re talking fashion labels. Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you: What Your Favorite Label Says About You.
You are among the most diverse group of fans a label can have. At one end of the spectrum, we have the thrifty Canal Street shopper and at the other, the individual making commission dreams come true for SAs far and wide. Barring economic standing, there’s still some common ground. For one, you’re a creature of habit. Routine is comfortable. You prefer sleeping at a reasonable hour, and waking up for an early yoga session. Oatmeal for breakfast, fruit and granola for lunch, and grilled fish with salad for dinner. A croissant (Pronounced kwo-san, because it’s of utmost importance to you to pronounce things in their native tongue, particularly if it’s European.) is a staple on your cheat days.
So you might have a bit of a Peter Pan Complex. So what? Neverland beats Senior Citizen-landia any day. You’re kinda sorta into the style scene. I.D. Magazine is nice every now and then, but so is People Style Watch. Sometimes, you just need a little “Who Wore It Better” in your life. That being said, you still don’t know how you feel about Marc’s latest adult film boyfriend…maybe you’ll warm up to him. Maybe. As long as Marc’s happy, right?
You are an aspiring fashion blogger, who’s still got to figure out the pose for today’s shoot. Is it a “got-a-kink-in-my-neck-from-carrying-my-Celine-phantom-around-town” head tilt sort of day, or will it be the “this-deep-conditioning-treatment-makes-my-hair-softer-than-chinchilla-fur- oh-look-there’s-a-sample-sale-flyer-on-the-ground” hand in hair, eyes cast downward look? Maybe caffeine will help bring some clarity. Your Starbucks Gold Card is sitting in your Balenciaga, calling your name! Have you seen Alexander Wang’s latest sandals with straps at the calves by the way? I die.
You’re a weekend warrior. Often times, also a weekday warrior. You believe MGMT was quite astute in their observation to “live fast and die young”. Hopefully, you won’t be facing as heavy a consequence as they say, but living fast is definitely the motto. Between red-bull benders, and shows at The Roxy, who has time to sleep anyway? The Cobrasnake is one of your top visited sites, and get this, if you look at IMG_642 on his most recent batch up uploads, you can see yourself in the top right corner, peeking out from behind the plastic flamingo! Hot damn, you look good. Maybe if you wear your emoji sweater dress with those holographic winged hi-tops next time, Mark Hunter will bestow upon you the honor of your very own frame. Oh, the anticipation!
Comme de Garcons
You read The New York Times. You like your tea unsweetened, and your coffee black. NPR and BBC radio are always on standby. Discussing the merits of Dante’s Inferno, and discourse regarding the democratization of fashion gets your blood going. Your room/studio/apartment/house (the last option is unlikely though, as you probably reside in a metropolitan area) is sparsely decorated, but the Isamu Noguchi coffee table is a mainstay. You’re a regular at art gallery openings, and slam poetry readings. Caviar and crackers are the cure to any bad day.
You are either a pre-pubescent teen, or you’ve watched one too many episodes of “Real Housewives of Orange County”. Chances are you are also the proud owner of a miniature dog. You may be guilty of donning Ed Hardy back when he still a thing, but these days, it’s back to the velour. Today, you have a lunch date with Candace, and a nail appointment with Gretchen. You’re thinking hot pink with a glitter accent nail. Wait, hold the phone, how do you pronounce ‘couture’ again?
Sometimes it’s fun to have a stranger paint a hyperbolic picture of you are based on a trivial personal preferences. You are all fantastic people, many whom I have not yet had the pleasure to meet – my character descriptions are just meant for giggles. Please don’t take offense. If you truly enjoy velour tracksuits, by all means, velour on.
I will, however, encourage against the accent nail. You can do better than that.