Ah, helloooo jumpsuit. Did you know I love you? I love you a lot, actually—but only sometimes. I love you when you make my body look impossibly tall and impossibly glamorous, and when you’re so perfectly comfortable to slip into. I love how I feel like a disco-bopping Amazonian princess when I’m wearing you. I also really love what you do to my ass (thanks).
But sometimes, dear jumpsuit, you make it impossible for me to love you. Sometimes you’ll give me monster-crotch and extended-faux-camel-toe. Sometimes I look like my Mom in her “Wah! So NOT fashion!” days. And I hate you most for when I have to use the little lady’s room and you turn me into one of those annoying girls who take FOREVER in the stall.
But jumpsuit, baby. It’s not you. It’s me. Rather, it’s us who don’t exactly know how to handle you. So here are some rules to help you fall in love with jumpsuits, and avoid the relationship drama.
If the suit don’t fit, take it off. If the torso’s too long, or if the hips are too wide, or if the length is too short, or if you’re swimming on top—DITCH IT. There are few things that scream “I screwed this up” more than wearing an ill-fitting jumpsuit. Depending on the style, the fit should be relatively loose, but it should skim you body. Anything too blossomy will make you look like sad Studio54 wannabe. Anything too tight will give you the kind of charm that only those “shame shame, everyone knows your name” girls have. (Hehe, I’ve always wanted to use that phrase—a professor here at Berkeley would always use it to describe what he thought were promiscuous college students in the ’60s)
The long and short of it
Long jumpsuits are way harder to pull off than short rompers. Most anyone can pull off a romper, but if you’re going to go long, the easiest way to break up the line (and to avoid looking like a mechanic) is to cinch a belt around your waist in a coordinating color. It won’t break up the sleekness of the jumpsuit, but it will make it look less costumey.
The most important area of all
Girls. I’m only going to say this once. If your lady bits look weird, that’s enough of a reason to put the jumpsuit down. No excuses.
Since the look is a bit masculine to begin with, dainty jewelry, shoes and accessories go well with jumpsuits. But, if you’re like me and you don’t care much about appearing dainty, fat wedges, architectural accessories and “Sass-tronaut” appropriate gear get me in a Grace Jones kind of mood which I love.