Rejection is something I’ve experienced a lot in my life. Specifically rejection when it comes to friends. Countless times over my youth I’ve found myself being the odd gal out whether I did anything or not. I was always a third wheel to a friendship or the one no one wanted to deal with anymore. Sometimes the girl no one even wanted to give a chance in the first place. I never quite figured out what it is that makes people so prone to abandon me. I gave up a long time ago and just accepted the fact that I am an unlovable person.
Last year in March a friendship that meant everything to me ended abruptly. I didn’t really talk about it much on here because I was so hurt and broken. Its taken me a year to get over what happened to me with those two individuals, and it’s something I still think about everyday. The pain of losing them has subsided, but has not gone away completely. What’s worse than losing them though is the undeniable fear and anxiety I have about being abandoned again. They left me so broken…so hopelessly heart broken. These two people were my everything and the two people who I thought were God’s gift to me for all of the suffering and loneliness I had endured for years. To be rejected by them was the biggest slap in the face I’ve ever had and left me feeling more insecure about myself than ever. When someone abandons me, I never think about what that other person’s reason for ending it was. I just automatically assume it was my fault.
So jaded and insecure I’ve been about friendships this past year that I totally isolated myself from everyone who tries to get close to me. I’m too scared of feeling that pain again. I don’t want to be so obsessed and enamored by a friendship and then when it ends (because they all undoubtedly do end in my life), be left with nothing.