“Come join the party, it’s a celebration
Anybody just won’t do
Let’s get this started, no more hesitation
Coz everybody wants to party with you”
- Celebration by Madonna
I am so psyched for the new year! Basically, I’ll be decked out in red the last two days of new year is this was my December 30,2009 outfit.
My bff-ffffffff Nina wont be here to welcome the new year with us since she’ll be going to her annual family party out of town and will only get to return on January 1 and so, we decided to have an advanced new year party especially for her at The Distillery in Fort. It was so much fun and I had a fabulous time! I will miss her though this December 31,2009 since it’s the night we all seriously go ALL OUT and catch the first sunrise for the year 2010. This year, we’ll be celebrating at AMBER ULTRA LOUNGE (we got a table since last new year’s was craaaazy for everyone) so staying in one place all together ensures that we all get to be with each other.I always take time to review my life for the last 365 days today and as tradition, here’s my new year’s blog—-
KISSING THE YEAR 2009 GOODBYE
One whole year. Twelve months. 365 days. 8760 hours. 525,600 minutes. No matter what the mathematical figures say, all in all, they mean one thing- once again we wait to bid the year 2009 goodbye and welcome a new beginning, a new start and hopefully a new and better life in the new year.
A saying goes, "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” And I do have to say, despite ALL the drama of this year, even if I cannot wait for the year 2009 to leave, I am still an optimist- I also cannot wait to welcome the new year in. All the pages for the book of 2010 are blank, at 12 midnight, we open the book, and I am going to write the words in myself. I think that we write our own stories and every time we believe we know how it’s going to end, we actually don’t. Edith Pierce said it wonderfully when she wrote, "The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” And I cannot wait. Today is where my book begins and the rest is still unwritten.
Like what I wrote last year, this year was NO DIFFERENT…issues never stopped pouring in- gossip, rumors, lies, TRUTHS and things that were just downright crazy were said, and while some of them I regarded as purely fictional, most of them, those that mattered anyway were true. I once said that rumors would only bother me if I believe for a second, that people took rumors seriously. Lesson learned: I should’ve listened to some and not turned a deaf ear because I guess being human, it pained me to realize that some of the people you cling on to, the experiences and the ideas that you so ardently believed in- all those things you held on to- aren’t even real in the first place.
I’m too ADD to keep up with all the drama in other people’s lives or even give time to care. When it is the people I love who get burnt however, I fight , I can never be indifferent or adamant especially to those who have wronged my loved ones, especially my family and closest friends—- that’s just not me. But when it was me who got caught in the center of it all- the lies, the cheating and all the other intolerable things i’d rather not mention- when it was finally me who got affected—- I just crawled right under my own tiny shell and chose to stay there, for good. Or so I thought. Hiding my true feelings is not my strong suit.
I am starting the year in a completely different place from where I was at the beginning of the year- I changed my hair (thanks to extensions), I found a job that I enjoy and love with my bestest most trusted friend in the world, Nina (obviously!), I discovered that I can do things I never thought I could like put up my own clothing brand, I learned who my real friends were, I tried things I was too afraid to try and that I thought I’d never dare to, I changed certain philosophies I had, I lost a near and dear friend to suicide, I rediscovered realities in life like my yaya of 13 years leaving me and most importantly, I finally discovered the truth and got out of a friendship that was based on a series of lies and betrayals.
I am not going to say it didn’t suck-because it did. I finally understood what it felt like to feel as small and insignificant as humanly possible and somehow, it made me doubt everything I believed in. In a nutshell, I felt like crap. I felt everything was all blank and I was terrified that I had lost touch with reality. Suffice to say, I did come out of it stronger, braver and wiser. The only way to stay out of the downward spiral is to completely disconnect yourself to your old life. The trick is to keep breathing.
Christmas season was the one time that everything came pouring in. All the problems and negavities just popped up like mushrooms in the last three months of the year. I thought it was going to be a good year but despite the triumphs and little victories of the year, I find that there were more losses and ties cut.I lost a handful of friends this year and while this would be considered a good thing, since I got out of a relationship with people who never understood me and measured our friendship in the amount of time I devote to them rather than in the love I had for them all despite not being there, I feel sad. As destructive a friendship might be, losing a friend is comparable to the grief of someone dying. I was sad but then, the bitterness just wasn’t worth it anymore. Sometimes, knowing that your real people, those who will love you no matter what, without demand or expectation, will stand by you through anything is enough reason to be thankful and at peace. The experience may have been brutal but I now appreciate the people I have.
Two weeks ago, one of the friends I regarded as part of my real people, passed away. He took his own life. I cried for him in a way that I’ve never cried for anyone ever.The hardest part of dealing with it was rationalizing how a person who was so healthy and full of life could die just like that. I am still trying to accept it all but at the end of the day, I’d like to think he’s in a better place and that he’s watching over all of us back here.
I didn’t feel Christmas at all this year. I had too many problems that I couldn’t even pretend to be in the party/ holiday eating mode…it was depression..and I think my drastic weight drop this month can attest to that. But last night, I finally figured out that sometimes, it’s okay not to have all the answers…. because most of the time, it’s the questions that matter. I have a lot of people to thank for this one, they know who they are and all of them know, in their own little way how they made my year spectacular despite the occasional bumps. At this point, I feel like I’ve never been secure about who my true persons (meaning friends) really are. And I am no longer rebounding (a term I never really understood), I’ve bounced back. And that in itself is a blessing.
This is the reality: with the right look, and a little luck and timing, your life could change—- not just overnight but in the span of a three minute song. I have seen this happen a million times——just from a different angle. I didn’t think it would happen to me. “Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just cant know it all. Life’s funny like that, once we let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.” I’m not in it this time for quantity but for quality. Again, I ask—- now that I’m where I always wanted to be, I wonder where I’m going next…..
GOODBYE 2009. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Here’s to 2010!