I feel like so much has happened since my last post… I don’t even know where to begin or how to fully express the grief that has come upon us. Everything seems so gray lately… nothing makes sense… nothing seems to be beautiful… there’s nothing to celebrate despite the fact that the holidays are looming and all…somehow I feel as though a big chunk was sucked out from me and that things will never be the same again. In one quick snap of a finger, life as I knew it changed and took a tragic turn. Yesterday I wasn’t so sure if I wanted to say it out loud cause I was hoping that maybe not saying it would make it all disappear as if it was a bad dream. But then, I closed my eyes and when I woke up, everything was still the same… I don’t know what to say really…But here’s a try…
STAGE 1: DENIAL
I have this thing where when I feel down or when I have a big problem I want to write out or forget even just for a few hours, I scan through everything I own and wear the most extravagant thing I could possibly mix up. I picked an outfit inspired by Balmain for such occasion. I guess being dressed up and all fixed up makes it seem to the world that the last thing on your mind are your problems. We usually equate stress and grief with eye bags, gray skin and lack of willpower to make an effort to look presentable. People don’t really ask people who bothered to mix ‘n match, why they looked haggard and depressed. No one asks how you are doing, no one does that sympathy pat on the back which really makes me breakdown more than provide comfort during times I am about to burst into tears. Putting your normal everyday face on… makes the world think you’re okay, and for at least a few hours, you fool yourself to thinking that everything really is. You go on with your activities cause you’ve successfully fooled yourself to thinking it was just another day. Until you remove everything and you realize it really isn’t.
The saddest moments are whenever I wake up and whenever I’m about to sleep.
A very close and a very dear guy friend of mine passed away just the day before yesterday at around this time (3:00 AM)… but it wasn’t from a lingering illness where he was deteriorating slowly or a tragic accident…It was from too much problems all at the same time flooding over his life that he just couldn’t handle it anymore… and so he gave up and took his own life. A few minutes before he decided to put an end to his suffering, he texted his nearest and dearest friends, myself included, everything he needed us to know, like why he did what he was going to do. He said this thanks to everyone but at the end of the day, the harsh realities of this cruel world we live got the best of him. He didn’t care if no one understood him…as long as those who mattered to him…his ‘people’ knew the truth. He didn’t even have anyone try to stop him. He was 23 years old.
It all happened so fast.
I don’t know how I would ever come to accept this as a reality and as a truth.
I’m not sure I even believe it yet.
When will the pain go away, can somebody tell me?
Note: I am very sorry for the depressing and melodramatic entry…I’m just so all over the place right now… He was a really really good friend… and to say that I am in a state of shock because of his passing would be an understatement. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!